Reviews of Blades of the Guardians

WTF am I watching? Are these subtitles correct? \[SPOILERS AHEAD\] 1. Ayuya: Young Master of the Mo, a formidable young woman who appears to be the captain of an all-female elite guard, is excited at the prospect of women being able to stay out all night in some other town she's never been to. I'm sorry, but your presumed position of authority gives you the ability to stay out all night, every night, whenever the !@#$ you feel to. Is this how we sidestep the "woke" brand? By having our badass women act like complete and utter !@#$ing morons? 2. "Why is that child's face so dirty?" One minute later. "Why is that child's face so dirty?" Three minutes later. "Seriously, can someone get a wash cloth and wipe the child's face? Why is the child's face so !@#$ing dirty?" 3. Wait, wait, wait. So you're gonna give him the scroll to learn who this Lord Ping Wing is, then take it back as he's about to read it? Yousa c@#$ owah? 4. Wait, wait, wait. How is escorting this rebel going to wash away all his debt? He's allegedly the second most wanted man in "the world". Is Lord Ping Wing gonna become Emprah Ping Wing when they get to their destination and absolve him of all his sins? He just killed Jet Bean! Is Jelly Bean going to just forgive him? What the !@#$ am I watching? 5. What the !@#$ am I watching? 6. WHAT THE !@#$ AM I WATCHING?! 7. I'm not sure I'm gonna finish this movie. 8. Oh, Lord Ping Wing is a pretty boy in facepaint! 9. Wait, wait, wait. Back up. Who let "the deadweights" out of the kitchen? Seriously, what is up with her characterization and why is she acting like a child on a !@#$ing field trip? She's "Young Master of the Mo", for !@#$'s sake. She just saved this fool's life literally yesterday! "Broaden her horizons?!" By taking her on a field trip to the town where Duck Mo is a wanted man? While escorting Lord Pretty Boy Facepaint?! You issa c@#$. You is defo a c@#$. What the !@#$ am I watching? 10. What peach blossoms? They're in the !@#$ing desert! 11. Why is Lord Pretty Boy Facepaint riding so hard? Kekekekeke! Did the director say "Ride my pony harder, with feeling this time!" The actor wilding out on the damn horse like they got the lame horse that day. "You doh understand, I need to ride this horsey twice as hard to keep up with the others!" Wham to you? Calm down! 12. Couldn't we leave the dirty faced kid home? In all fairness, they couldn't give the Ayuya's second in command a wash cloth either. 13. It's Lord Pretty Boy Facepaint! My master is gonna be delighted to meet you! He has a pony for you to wild out on too! Kekekeke! Seriously, this fool couldn't wash his face since apparently everyone knows him by his facepaint? Yousa c@#$ owah? 14. "Ermahgerd! It really is Lord Pretty Boy Facepaint! D8<" That's exactly the face Mr. Two Lives guard is making. 15. Welp! I didn't see that coming! Seems Lord Pretty Boy Facepaint has secret admirers! 16. "Now that I've seen your facepaint, I can die in peace!" Someone Batslap this fool. The goal is end the injustice and make "the world" peachy again, moron. Not jizz your pants in a meet cute. !@#$ is wrong with you? 17. "Please sir, when is the world gonna be covered in your peachy blossom?!" Sir, you live in a !@#$ing desert. Less than a minute later, Lord Pretty Boy Facepaint pulls out a peach blossom from his bosom and pins it on Ermahgerd Jizzboy. What the !@#$ am I watching? 18. Welp! Jelly Bean is proper ded. I guess Duck Mo really will be absolved of all sins! 19. Did I just watch a one-eyed Jack, pelt a horse at a bottle from like a mile off, striking the bottle and making Lord Pretty Boy Facepaint flop over into the sand? 20. Uh... Lord Pretty Boy Facepaint issa clown. How is this guy the most wanted man in "the world"? "He's mine! Noh, he's mine!" Is because of what he represents, you see. He represents... Peach blossoms in the desert on April 1st! What the !@#$ am I watching? 21. One reviewer mentioned Red Cliff (2008/9) while praising this movie for having no nonsense fight scenes. Every scene in this movie, so far, is nonsense. Another said "compelling martial arts action is front and centre". I'm 1/3 of the way through and there's been two fight scenes, and neither of them were *that* compelling. 22. We are now watching The Hateful Eight (2015). Lord Pretty Boy Facepaint is Chris Mannix, the lady in chains is Daisy Domergue, Silver Long Bottom is "The Hangman", and Duck Mo is Major Mark West a.k.a. Mr. Big D@#$ In Your Box! Well ain't love grand?! Am I done with this nonsense yet?